Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Dilbert

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animations and more

No Poo, Poirot

A Harvard University study, conducted in 1992 found that 54% of the time, subjects would rather lie, than give out personal information to a stranger.

What's so startling about that?  The amount of tall stories around a bar from fellow travellers is astounding.  I mean, a five year holiday?  Come off it.  :o)

Blue Barnsley

Plod in Barnsley, south Yorkshire, have been told to monitor the language of people out shopping, eating or merely relaxing in the town centre.  If the member of the public is heard to swear and the profanity is judged to be potentially causing offence or intimidation, the officers have been told to intervene.

The first option is simply to tell the individual to moderate his or her language but if that is unsuccessful, the officer can fine the person a maximum of £80.

Members of the public* have also been asked to report offensive and intimidating language, including swearing. 

The fines are a part of a series of monthly campaigns aimed at tackling different types of anti-social behaviour.

So, can we expect arrests made at football matches- for the players?   More at TTel

*We call this grassing on your neighbours and people still think this isn't a "big brother" society?

Flying Pigs

Traffic wardens in Southampton are to strike over pay, which could lead to hundreds of drivers taking advantage of "free" parking and the loss of thousands of pounds in revenue for the council.  An estimated £100 000 will be lost by the authority.

The wardens from Southampton City Council, who are members of Unite and Unison Unions, are to walk out on today, Tuesday 31st May and plan on taking several days of strike action.



A spokesbod bluffed that managers could step in for the 33 enforcement officers expected to take industrial action (what, managers leave their cosy offices?), which could mean that parking tickets will be issued.  However, he also said that the council hoped that motorists would be honest and pay for their parking.

BWAWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA...  :oD 

Yeah, right, that's surely going to happen.

Fortnight Down

Can't believe that we've been back in Bangkok for two weeks already and if we were here on a standard 30 day visa, we'd be half way through.  Luckily we've got a longer visa and can still look forward to another six weeks.  *yay*

Can do no Wrong



FIFA has solemnly declared that Sepp Blatter is at one with the Holy Spirit, immune from wrongdoing and incapable of sin.

Blatter had been accused of allowing corruption to go unchecked within the organisation but FIFA has proclaimed that a blasphemy and his accuser has now been eternally damned with excommunication.

“The Holy Spirit descends upon all our presidents on the night of their election,” a FIFA spokesman confirmed, “so Mr Blatter is utterly infallible and totally without sin”

“That may seem like a drawback when it comes to leading an organisation as corrupt as ours but it seems to work just fine for the Catholic Church, don’t you think?”

“And they say the Spirit of the Lord works in mysterious ways, so I’m sure it may have some chance of getting its holy head around what Sepp has been doing at FIFA.”

Comparisons

Followers have taken the declaration as Gospel and are now drawing comparisons between Blatter and his infallible counterpart at the Vatican.

“It’s unfair really,” Cardinal Nolberto Torres said, sympathetically. “It’s one thing being the Pope but the Holy Sepp’s in a whole other league because this makes Him the Pope for football.”

“Hopefully that’ll mean that He’s a Pope that the masses of Godless heathens and possibly even Rangers supporters can learn to love.”

“So let His light shine upon them.”

NT

Ears = Two

On average, when a woman from North America or Europe wears perfume she applies it to six different spots on her body.

Sticking to Chang

It seems I've been away from the UK for longer than I imagined as I can only recognise around half of the following list from ShortList:


1. HOPHEAD BY DARK STAR (3.8%)

“The Grateful Dead were always an acquired taste and their signature tune, Dark Star — a 25-minute jazz-rock wig-out — is just that,” says Charlie McVeigh. “It’s appropriate, then, that when Dead-Head Rob Jones began brewing a mysterious dark ale, he named it after that song. Later, branching out on his own in the cellar of The Evening Star in Brighton in 1994, Dark Star became the name of the nascent brewery, which still brews its eponymous award-winning beer. My favourite is Hophead, a fuller-bodied beer with notes of elderflower.”

2. BADGER GOLDEN CHAMPION BY HALL & WOODHOUSE (5%)

“This is the back-yard grill king,” says Pete Brown. “Brewed with a hint of elderflower, Golden Champion provides a delicate perfume just above your palate. It tastes of summer evenings over the barbecue and has the body to stand up beautifully to chargrilled meat.”

3. BUDVAR YEAST (5%)

“Brits have grown blasé about Budvar,” says McVeigh. “We forget that this ancient brewery was purchased by the Czech government to preserve its unique brewing heritage and, as a result, is impervious to market pressure to ‘dumb down’. Many people also don’t realise that Budvar is lagered (cold-conditioned to smooth the taste) for 90 days, which is unusual. The unpasteurised, unfiltered Budvar Yeast is a class act — though it only has a shelf-life of 28 days.”

4. BERNARD UNFILTERED BY BERNARD (5.1%)

“I occasionally wish that some people were more open-minded than just asking for a ‘pint of lager’, but they are forgiven if they go for this unpasteurised lager, which is full of flavour,” says Tony Lennon. “This is our bestseller when we can get our hands on it. Bernard also brews a dark lager, pilsner and a light beer, all of which are great brews.”

5. LONDON PALE ALE BY MEANTIME (4.3%)

“One of my favourite beer stories is the origin of India pale ale,” says McVeigh. “This hoppy brew was originally created in the 19th century to water British troops in India. Our mild, pro-biotic ales couldn’t survive the weeks at sea, so brewers upped the hop content, creating a robust beer that survived the voyage. Brewing hero Alastair Hook has done his homework and this is as good as any execution of the style. Perfect with a hot curry.”

6. TEXAS RANGER BARREL AGED BY MIKKELLER (6.6%)

“Mikkeller is brewed by an eccentric and mysterious Danish guy who travels from brewery to brewery in Denmark, the UK and US ‘contract brewing’,” says Lennon. “He’s a specialist in dark, hoppy beers, such as this tasty porter which features the smoky heat of chipotle peppers rounded by the vanilla and oak notes of bourbon barrels.”

7. OLA DUBH 40 BY HARVIESTOUN (8%)

"Scottish brewery Harviestoun has pioneered the renaissance of craft brewing north of the border,” says McVeigh. “This fortified, inky brew is an extreme example of the brewer’s art. Ola Dubh (‘black oil’) starts life as Old Engine Oil: a dry 6% stout. Seeking a more complex drink, Harviestoun decants the stout into a Highland Park 40-year-old whisky barrel. “It eventually emerges as Ola Dubh 40, a decadent, port-like beer.”

8. CAMDEN PALE ALE BY CAMDEN TOWN BREWERY (4.5%)

“This beer from one of London’s newest and most exciting breweries is available in both cask and keg format,” says Brown. “The cask is good, but the perfectly judged carbonation in the keg lifts out the fruity aromas. It’s worth coming to London for, wherever you live.”

9. HOOKY DARK BY HOOK NORTON (3.2%)

“Situated in the village of Hook in Oxfordshire, this Victorian brewery has been creating contemporary versions of old favourites, with Hooky Dark leading the way,” says Jon Howard. “Having recently won bronze at the Brewing Industry International Awards, this has a complex malt and hop aroma, and a long, hoppy finish, unusual for a mild.”

10. CROP CIRCLE BY HOP BACK (4.2%)

“A groundbreaking brewery that started life in the cellar of The Wyndham Arms in Salisbury,” says Howard. “Crop Circle embodies the sun-drenched season with its slight citrus taste. Available in bottles as well as draught, its golden appearance and subtle flavours make it ideal for evenings in the beer garden.”

11. ORGANIC BEST BITTER BY ST PETER’S (4.1%)

“There’s more to this than meets the eye,” says Pierpaolo Petrassi. “The chariot barley is Soil Association accredited and organically grown, and the water comes from St Peter’s own source beneath the brewery. The result is a refreshing and full-bodied bitter that’s ideal for picnics.”

12. OLD RUBY ALE 1905 BY DUCHY ORIGINALS (5%)

“Brewed at the Wychwood Brewery in Witney, Oxfordshire, this deliciously robust blend is produced using barley from selected organic farms, including an English variety first used in 1905 called Plumage Archer,” says Petrassi. “It’s rich-tasting while maintaining elegance and balance.”

13. INDIA PALE ALE BY GOOSE ISLAND (5.9%)

“Replicating an English-style IPA is quite a mean feat when you’re based in Illinois, but it’s precisely what Goose Island has done,” says Howard. “If the aroma of bitter oranges and spicy hops doesn’t win you over, the range of fruit and bitter edge of the hops on the palate will. You’ll fail to find worthy superlatives for it on a balmy summer evening.”

14. KIPLING BY THORNBRIDGE BREWERY (5.2%)

“Best known for Jaipur, which has won more beer festival awards than any other ale since its 2005 launch, Thornbridge is fast becoming the classiest brewer in Britain,” says Brown. “Kipling is Jaipur’s younger brother, and is a tropical fruit salad with a tart finish. It combines the refreshment of lager with an ale’s body.”

15. ABBOT ALE BY GREENE KING (5%)

“Smooth, fruity and refreshing, with a depth of flavour that makes it a perfect match for full-flavoured foods,” says Petrassi. “The Greene King brewery is situated next to the historic ruins of the Bury St Edmunds’ Great Abbey and still draws water from the chalk wells used in brewing as far back as 1086. Crystal malts give Abbot its rich malty taste while First Gold, Fuggles and Challenger hops add a tangy, bitter dimension to the biscuity finish.”

16. MANCHESTER BITTER BY MARBLE (4.2%)

“A superb British bitter from a brewery highly regarded for its innovative beers,” says Howard. “For the best experience, nip into The Marble Arch in Manchester, where the brewery is housed. You’ll be taken aback by its strong, fruity, hop aromas, faultless golden colour and finely balanced bitterness on the palate and in the finish. Who said bitter was boring?”

17. ARTISAN GOLD BY BOWLAND BREWERY (5.7%)

“A golden ale matured and finished using the traditional champagne-making method, resulting in a drink that combines the sparkle of an over-excited debutante with the poise and elegance of a true aristocrat,” says Brown. “Worth every penny of the £15.99 price tag for a 750ml cork and foil-wrapped champagne bottle.”

18. HEFEWEIZEN BY WEST (5.2%)

“West is a microbrewery based in Glasgow, and is a lovely place to visit if you’re up in Scotland,” says Lennon. “We’ve had its Hefeweizen keg on recently at The Euston Tap and it’s something special — a light, cloudy, fluffy, summery wheat beer and a SIBA (Society of Independent Brewers’ Association) award-winner.”

19. DOPPELMALZ BY SCHREMSER (4.6%)

“The picturesque Schrems brewery in the Austrian Waldviertel, just south of the Czech border, was founded in 1380, and is characterised by an obsessive regard for quality and tradition,” says McVeigh. “All malt and hops used are grown locally. Doppelmalz is a ‘double-malted’ beer with a creamy, fruity brew.”

20. PUNK IPA BY BREWDOG (5.6%)

“BrewDog is an Aberdeen-based brewery responsible for some of the most daring beers currently available,” says Lennon. “This lightish India pale ale is proving extremely popular, and at 5.6% is one of the more sessionable IPAs out there. For me, it’s currently the best experimental brewery, and it’s well worth seeking out any of its beers.”

How Odd

The 10 most pointless rules in sport

The place where logic is a stranger

As any self-respecting kid knows, rules are a right pain in the posterior. Generally implemented by petty bureacrats, little Hitlers and killjoy parents, it would appear that they’re only designed to extract fun from whatever activity they’re meant to be governing.
In the realm of sport, this seems to be magnified to the point of absurdity. Who on earth legislates such nonsense as injured players having to leave the field of play while their assailants are allowed to stay on?

Of course, one look at the folk who run sport - yes, Sepp Blatter we’re talking about you – and suddenly these inexplicable rules suddenly begin to make some sort of random sense.

Have a look at the following classic head scratchers: every single last one of them resembles a broken pencil. Pointless.
Pictures: Getty Images, Rex Features

Taken off for treatment… in football

1. Taken off for treatment… in football

Fifa rules state that a player must leave the pitch if in need of treatment for an injury – which can easily tempt a nervous team into ankle-stamping the opposition’s best player minutes before the whistle. Those precious seconds waiting for the ref to bring him back on could prove vital.

No concessions for disabled people… in golf

2. No concessions for disabled people… in golf

American Casey Martin was no world-class golfer, but in the late 90s he was doing reasonably well on the PGA’s minor league Nike Tour. Martin had a birth defect in his leg attributed to Klippel Trenaunay Weber syndrome, which made walking painful. But the PGA wouldn’t let him use a golf cart to get round. So he sued them.

No coaching mid-match… in tennis

3. No coaching mid-match… in tennis

Think of every sport and you’ll see a ranting manager or trainer somewhere on the sidelines. Except tennis, where players are banned from conversing with the man who takes 15 per cent. Even toilet breaks are escorted, to ensure the rule isn’t broken.

Not being allowed to “over-celebrate”… in football

4. Not being allowed to “over-celebrate”… in football

In a career that spanned over 500 matches, Alan Hansen scored just 14 goals. True, he was a defender, but had the day ever come that the dour Scot popped one in for his national team (0 goals from 26 games), he’d have gone absolutely bananas. And if playing today, probably booked.

Rain meaning a draw… in cricket

5. Rain meaning a draw… in cricket

In one day international cricket, a no-result – technically the same as a draw – is called if rain stops play and the second team to bat have faced less than 20 overs of the allotted 50. Even if they’ve failed to score a single run.

No spike repairs allowed… in golf

6. No spike repairs allowed… in golf

You can move a stone, you can move a blade of straw, but if there’s a gaping hole from another man’s spikes between your ball and the hole on the green, rule 16-1c says leave it – which is often bad news for leaderboarders going out last.

No jockeys over 9 stone… in horse-racing

7. No jockeys over 9 stone… in horse-racing

Frankie Dettori has publicly lambasted the Jockey Association for not raising the minimum weight limit for jockeys: he claims it makes being a pro almost impossible for all but the handful of men who are naturally around 8 stone. "I took Lasix, pee pills, diuretics, laxatives; all sorts," he once said of his efforts to stay tiny. Bulimia amongst jockeys is said to be rife.

A designated hitter… in baseball

8. A designated hitter… in baseball

The pitcher in baseball is like the teacher’s pet, and since 1974, he doesn’t have to bat thanks to an absurd ruling that allows him to name someone else to take his turn.

Dress code even when you’re not playing… in basketball

9. Dress code even when you’re not playing… in basketball

The NBA stipulates that all players must wear what it describes as ‘Business casual’ for all team or league events. Which means – and this is all down in writing – no sunglasses indoors, no headphones, no T-shirts, and no jewellery worn over the clothing.

Signing your scorecard… in golf

10. Signing your scorecard… in golf

Positively littered with archaic rules, golf manages to outdo itself with the one about having to mark and sign your own scorecard. Even if you’re Tiger Woods and 100 million people around the world have just seen you shoot a 68 on the final round of the US Masters, it doesn’t count if you don’t submit a correct and signed scorecard to officials. You're disqualified.

Nice Trick Shot

Traveller's Tip # 135

Need an egg cup for your boiled egg and soldiers?

Just use a shot glass (if too deep, chuck in some bog paper in the bottom).

Ta-da.

Hands Off

'Scuse the formatting, but this is the whole table of UK products that are protected by the EU.  From here.

GB/PGI/0005/00807   United Kingdom    New Season Comber Potatoes / Comber Earlies PGI 14/05/2011
Published
      
GB/PGI/0005/00876   United Kingdom    Stornoway Black Pudding PGI 03/05/2011
Applied
      
UK/PGI/0005/0715   United Kingdom    Traditional Cumberland Sausage PGI 22/03/2011
Registered
      
GB/PGI/0005/00863   United Kingdom    Scottish Wild Salmon PGI 07/03/2011
Applied
      
UK/PGI/0005/0796   United Kingdom    Lough Neagh Eel PGI 15/02/2011
Published
      
UK/PDO/0005/0737   United Kingdom    Native Shetland Wool PDO 12/02/2011
Published
      
GB/PDO/0005/00856   United Kingdom    Isle of Man Queenies PDO 08/02/2011
Applied
      
GB/TSG/0007/00839   United Kingdom    Watercress TSG 06/12/2010
Applied
      
UK/TSG/0007/0024   United Kingdom    Traditionally Farmed Gloucestershire Old Spots Pork TSG 29/07/2010
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0727   United Kingdom    Cornish Pasty PGI 14/07/2010
Published
      
UK/PDO/0005/0633   United Kingdom    Yorkshire Forced Rhubarb PDO 25/03/2010
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0589   United Kingdom    Cornish Sardines PGI 03/03/2010
Registered
      
UK/TSG/0005/0059   United Kingdom    Traditional Pasture Reared Beef TSG 10/02/2010
Applied
      
UK/PGI/0005/0132   United Kingdom    Traditional Grimsby Smoked Fish PGI 22/10/2009
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0792   United Kingdom    Armagh Bramley Apples PGI 16/10/2009
Applied
      
UK/PGI/0005/0335   United Kingdom    Melton Mowbray Pork Pie PGI 30/06/2009
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0105/0141   United Kingdom    Scottish Farmed Salmon PGI 03/12/2008
Registered
      
UK/TSG/0007/0057   United Kingdom    Traditional Bramley Apple Pie Filling TSG 05/11/2008
Applied
      
UK/PDO/0005/0340   United Kingdom    Isle of Man Manx Loaghtan Lamb PDO 03/04/2008
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0667   United Kingdom    West Country Lamb PGI 21/12/2007
Applied
      
UK/PGI/0005/0668   United Kingdom    West Country Beef PGI 21/12/2007
Applied
      
UK/PDO/0005/0652   United Kingdom    Yorkshire Wensleydale cheese PDO 08/10/2007
Applied
      
UK/PDO/0005/0354   United Kingdom    Staffordshire Cheese PDO 18/09/2007
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0117/0275   United Kingdom    Scotch Lamb PGI 23/07/2004
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0117/0274   United Kingdom    Scotch Beef PGI 01/07/2004
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0227   United Kingdom    Arbroath Smokies PGI 02/03/2004
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0081   United Kingdom    Welsh lamb PGI 16/07/2003
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0057   United Kingdom    Welsh Beef PGI 22/11/2002
Registered
      
UK/TSG/0007/0021   United Kingdom    Traditional Grass fed Red Poll beef TSG 30/04/2001
Applied
      
UK/TSG/0007/0004   United Kingdom    Traditional Farmfresh Turkey TSG 07/07/2000
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0001   United Kingdom    Exmoor Blue Cheese PGI 28/04/1999
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0005/0002   United Kingdom    Dorset Blue Cheese PGI 23/12/1998
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0005/0014   United Kingdom    Cornish Clotted Cream PDO 01/10/1998
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0017/0285   United Kingdom    Teviotdale Cheese PGI 21/01/1998
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0017/0371   United Kingdom    Whitstable oysters PGI 24/01/1997
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0276   United Kingdom    Shetland Lamb PDO 23/11/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0027   United Kingdom    Jersey Royal potatoes PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0272   United Kingdom    Orkney beef PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0273   United Kingdom    Orkney lamb PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0277   United Kingdom    White Stilton cheese ; Blue Stilton cheese PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0279   United Kingdom    West Country farmhouse Cheddar cheese PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0280   United Kingdom    Beacon Fell traditional Lancashire cheese PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0281   United Kingdom    Single Gloucester PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0282   United Kingdom    Swaledale cheese ; Swaledale ewes´ cheese PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0284   United Kingdom    Bonchester cheese PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0287   United Kingdom    Buxton blue PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PDO/0017/0300   United Kingdom    Dovedale cheese PDO 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0017/0290   United Kingdom    Gloucestershire cider/perry PGI 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0017/0291   United Kingdom    Worcestershire cider/perry PGI 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0017/0292   United Kingdom    Herefordshire cider/perry PGI 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0017/0296   United Kingdom    Kentish ale and Kentish strong ale PGI 21/06/1996
Registered
      
UK/PGI/0017/0373   United Kingdom    Rutland Bitter PGI 21/06/1996
Registered
      

I haven't heard of half them...