Monday, 31 January 2011

Late Laundry

Went to collect our washing and was told would not be ready until the day after tomorrow.

I pointed out that this was said on my first visit on Friday morning.

The lady gave the waggle, said very busy and come back Wednesday. I suggested I pick up our clothes now and go elsewhere.  She quickly relented and we go back at 18:00 today.

They do seem very laid back and "can't-be-arsed" here.  Unfortunately for them, I'm not.

Top Haircut

Just had possibly the best bonce shave yet, without faff, bother or hard sell. Both the cranium and chin got the zero grade buzz, no pointless shampoos, smellies or massages, in and out in under 15 minutes.

All for the princely sum of INR 50- every other main drag barbers wanted INR 150.  I'll be "heading" back next week before we go.

Off Line Blogging

This really is an amazing facility.  Being able to send in posts to our Blog when we have no connection to the internet via Gmail.

I type in what I want, stack them up and then they get uploaded directly to our site the instant we connect.  Top marks to Google who deliver this and we can even read downloaded emails off-line.  Fantastic.

Grande Modicum XXL Petite

Personnel costs account for 81% of Starbuck's expenses.

Stupid-sounding size cups make up the rest?

Oh Do Come On Now

Four of us get out of a HUGE cab nimbus and as we alight, the first thing we hear being called to us is "Taxi?"

I bloody hate taxi drivers.

More Headlines

Again, some old, some new, all worth a grin:



























Spooning

86 students from Queens College, London hold the record for the maximum number of people in bed together.  The bed in question was only a full-sized bed.

Just Call Me Lucky

A man who was stabbed with knife, robbed at gunpoint, locked in taxi boot, and bitten by two snakes at same time, has now been hospitalised after being struck by lightning while on phone.


The guy has hit headlines in the past because of his extraordinary misfortune, which included an incident four years ago when he was robbed at gunpoint while driving his taxi and got locked in the boot.  He also suffered injuries after being stabbed in the chest with a butcher's knife in 2008, and, more recently in 2009, he claimed he was bitten by two snakes at the same time.

The latest incident happened as he was leaning over a metal sink, with a severe storm raging outside, speaking on the phone. 

I wonder if he does the Lottery?

Oh Dear

Following on from the initial claim that feeble and tacky souvenirs are to be banned for the forthcoming circus in April which has now been over turned to allow tea towels, aprons and similar kitsch items to be branded with images of the Ponce and Poncess, we now have news that you will be able to purchase "royal" condoms.  How very 21st century...


Crown Jewels condoms

Sleeping Beauty

A hand crafted double bed has gone on sale for £4 million and is touted as the world’s most expensive place to rest your head.

The Baldacchino Supreme is inlaid with 107 kg of 24ct gold and is fashioned out of chestnut and ash wood with a cherry wood canopy.   It comes complete with Italian silk and cotton drapes and the headboard can be customised to take diamonds for that hint of extra bling.

There really are some idiots in this world, aren't there?

Privately Famous

BRITAIN'S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.

Image
God forbid we should overhear them talking about their fucking 'craft'
As the investigation into phone hacking by the News of the World reopened, dozens of celebrities stepped up their case against the tabloid for intercepting the private information they had chosen not to use for promoting their latest piece of shit.

Martin Bishop, a lawyer for Steve Coogan, the actor who has recently won critical acclaim for playing himself, said: "The only things more important to Steve than his privacy are his family, his issues with drug and alcohol use and his professional insecurities, as you may have read in a 3000-word interview with an
Observer journalist who he welcomed into his home.

"Steve would never want a tabloid newspaper accessing his private thoughts, unless of course his career reaches such a point where he would take anything he can get."

Meanwhile former prime minister Gordon Brown has also asked lawyers to find out if his phone was hacked amid fears it may reveal vast quantities of as yet undiscovered public debt.

Tom Logan, professor of Look at Me at Reading University , explained: "They're all like, 'I'll give you a glimpse of me as long as it convinces you to hand over a tenner to see this pathetic thing I made with some over-rated Americans'.

"These narcissistic fuckers have millions in the bank but instead of retiring and giving someone else a chance, they keep accumulating money. They want us to keep loving them, on their terms, so they can keep paying the man who mows the lawn at the house where they spend about 12 days a year.

"Meanwhile Sienna Miller's complaining her thoughts are being invaded. She's a good looking girl but I'd rather kill myself than have to listen to her go on about her stupid fucking job and how her latest role is so demanding. Do me a favour love.

"You can have privacy or be paid a million pounds to play pretend with your chums. But you can't have both."

He added: "Meanwhile if some prick thinks he should be allowed to exert authority over me and spend my money, then I want him wearing a microphone 24 hours a day. I want probes drilled into his head so I can see his fucking dreams.

"You can have privacy or you can sit in your fancy office in Whitehall thinking you're the big man. But you can't have both."

Logan also explained that newspapers are vile, horrible places filled to the ceiling with overpaid, conniving bastards who would kill each other for the title of 'assistant editor (football skanks)'.

But he stressed: "They are also rather sad, inadequate people who will cut corners to get results because their boss is an aggressive, bullying dick. Case. Fucking. Closed."

He added: "And so what if the celebrities stop governing and entertaining us? Who gives a shit? I can govern myself thank you very much, meanwhile I'll get myself a pair of bongos and a ukulele.

"I can't play either of them for toffee but it's got to be better than listening to fucking Coldplay."


DMash.

For the Budget and Beyond

ED Miliband has ordered a digital calculator watch in a bid to reassure Britain he can steer it through economic turmoil.

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Ready to govern
The Labour leader said the purchase would help win over swing voters who cannot bring themselves to acknowledge the existence of shadow chancellor Ed Balls.

Mr Miliband added: "The Casio Men's Twincept Databank Calculator Watch will demonstrate that the economy is always on my mind. As well as my wrist.

"Check this out - square root of 169. Oh yes.  And I can do live currency conversions, as long as I know what the current values are.

"What's 238 x 4.7, you say? Bang! it is.... 1118.6. You're welcome."

He added: "If I was running the country it would be like that the whole time."

Senior Labour figures stressed the calculator watch would not supercede the advice Mr Miliband receives from Mr Balls, it was simply there to remind the shadow chancellor that subtracting a larger number, such as an expenditure, from a smaller number, such as a revenue, leaves you with a negative number, such as a deficit.

A source said: "Ed Balls still thinks we didn't rack up a record breaking deficit in the two years leading up to the financial crisis. Probably because he doesn't have a calculator watch."

Mr Miliband added: "I can use it to write 'gobble'."


DMash.

Standing In

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

Sources close to the increasingly frail former South African president say he is no longer able to handle the day-to-day rigours of being him and it was now time to hand over to his constitutional successor.

Freeman has been Deputy Nelson Mandela since 1996 and has filled-in for the legendary ANC leader at Hollywood parties and celebrity golf tournaments.

Julian Cook, professor of comparative Nelson Mandelas at Roehampton University, said: "Nelson Mandela has done the difficult bit of being Nelson Mandela. Prison, defeating apartheid, running South Africa and having to spend all that time with Bono and Geldof.

"The role of future Nelson Mandelas will focus on having their picture taken with some schoolchildren who have made a portrait of them, hugging whoever is currently Annie Lennox and, of course, the twice weekly phone calls from Oprah Winfrey."

Denzel Washington is likely to become Freeman's deputy though some pundits insist Samuel L Jackson would make a fantastic next Nelson Mandela but one.

Professor Cook added: "Morgan Freeman is still young enough to do the job for 10, maybe 15 years. That will give Denzel Washington time to get his face all crinkly.

"Don't get me wrong, a Samuel L Jackson Mandelacy would be exciting, but ultimately I don't think he'd be able to stop himself from saying 'motherfucker' and that's just not very Mandelential.

"In terms of who'll be Nelson Mandela after Denzel Washington, there's Dennis Haysbert, Lenny Henry, Martin Freeman or Forest Whitaker, who of course is seen very much as the
Guardian

"But I suspect Will Smith will eventually want a crack at it after which the Nelson Mandelacy will simply be passed down through his descendants."

Following retirement the current Nelson Mandela is expected to move into a luxury hotel suite in Johannesburg and change his name to Brian Stephenson.
reader's Nelson Mandela.

DMash.

Any Custard?

The first known dessert was a sweet cake made in the Middle East nearly five thousand years ago.

Only at the Pictures
















 
From Unreality Magazine.

Internet Addresses

The last big blocks of the inter net's dwindling stock of addresses are about to be distributed.within the next few days.  When that happens each of the five regional agencies that hand out net addresses will get one of the remaining blocks of 16 million addresses.

The addresses in those last five blocks are expected to be completely exhausted by September 2011.

More at the BBC.

Stupid Woman

Mrs Keys has criticised Sky Sports, saying the way her husband was treated was "offside", after her husband resigned due to his sexist remarks he and commentator Andy Gray made, questioning if assistant lady referee knew the offside rule.  However, Julia Keys said the "wrong two guys were given the red card", adding the pair "put Sky on the map".

Keys resigned from his job fronting Sky Sports' football coverage last night after days of controversy which had also seen the sacking of his colleague Andy Gray, after further comments by him were posted on Youtube.  She guffed:


"They contributed so much. Whether you like them personally or not, professionally there's very few who would knock them.  I think Sky was offside in the way it handled it.  It's banter from the boys. What other people do not understand is the dynamics that go on in the studio."

No wonder he comes out with such chauvinistic comments if he's married to this mentally deficient moron.  By all means stand by your guy but to condone his sexist actions in such a simpering manner doesn't help the cause for equality one iota.  Good luck to them both- I hope we don't hear any more from either of them.

Khmer Rouge in Dock

Two of the most senior surviving leaders of the Khmer Rouge are due to appear in court in Cambodia on today (Monday).

Nuon Chea and Khieu Samphan will attend a preliminary hearing at the UN-backed war crimes tribunal to request release from pre-trial detention.  They and two other senior figures face charges of genocide for their parts in the deaths of around two million Cambodians between 1975 and 1979.
The elderly defendants have all been in detention since 2007.

Nuon Chea was the second in command to the Khmer Rouge leader, Pol Pot, and is accused of devising the policies which caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people.  The 84 year old, who was known as "Brother Number Two", is arguing that the Tribunal had no right to extend his pre-trial detention.

Similar points will be made by the former head of state, Khieu Samphan, and ex-social affairs minister, Ieng Thirith, although she is not thought to be attending the hearing in person.

More at the BBC.

For Real

The 5 craziest insurance policies ever

1. Alien Abduction Insurance
The English overestimated themselves when they levied a stamp duty on the entire Americas -- a petty cash grab that turned into the Revolutionary War. British Insurers learned from that mistake: Now they only take money from idiots.

They offered "alien abduction insurance," scoring £2.7 million -- mostly from Californians -- to victims who thought they might be anally probed by extraterrestrials. Managing director Simon Burgess is on record admitting the whole thing's a profitable joke, saying, "Of course, the burden of proof lies with the claimant. Let's face it -- insurance is so tedious that if I can enlighten my dreary life with a bit of humour every now and again, I will."


He's able to delight in his enlightenment because probably none of those idiots he sold policies to can read. Check below for more insane insurance purchases.


2. Thailand Riot Insurance
The Thai government is trying to reassure dwindling numbers of would-be tourists by offering "Thailand Riot Insurance," proving that there's no Thai word for "negative publicity."

When unrest in your country is so bad that you have to offer a cash prize of £7,800 to random strangers, you might as well fill your airports with hissing tarantulas -- because no one in his right mind is coming.



3. Japanese Giant Crab

Don't worry -- Japanese giant crabs aren't something you get from sleeping with horrible tentacle monsters without protection.

The Birmingham Sea Life aquarium in the U.K. took possession of a giant crab (also known as the
Japanese spider crab in case it wasn't horrifying enough), an armored, alien-faced arachnid 10 feet across.

Oh, and they call it "Crabzilla." Sea Life officials tried to assure everyone, saying: "He's not aggressive, and they should have nothing to worry about," before taking out a policy against visitor death and permanent disability for over £1.3 million.


Call us crazy, but "nothing to worry about" and a million quid insurance policy are seriously mixed messages -- which add up to the alien supercrab ripping your face off.


4. Anonymous Celebrity Chest Hair
When Lloyd's underwriter Jonathan Thomas was asked to write a policy insuring unknown chest hair, the story was massively reported to be about Tom Jones' £5 million chest carpet. Unfortunately, the articles all cited each other as proof. The hidden hirsute person never took out the policy, so we'll never know who really strokes their pec-rug, with each finger fondling thousands of would-be pounds.

Insert your own "It's Not Unusual" joke here -- as long as you promise to immediately give up comedy forever.



5. Immaculate (Conception) Insurance

We're back with British Insurance, which underwrote the expensive virginity of three Scottish sisters. The very Christian and even vainer women believed they were at risk of immaculately conceiving, thinking, If God's going to impregnate anyone, it's going to be us. The sisters paid £120-a-year to insure against it.

The pay-off was £1.25 million, as well as eternal life, grace, Yea, and Unto the Rapture Comes, etc, etc Simon Burgess happily took the money until someone, anyone, noticed -- at which point the outrage was so immense he had to cancel the policy. He also claimed that he'd been sending the money to charity all along.

Robbo's Back

It seems like he's been away for a bit, perhaps a holiday?  But we have the latest from the Tees Mouth:


Keys On His Knees

Who’d’ve thought it? Richard Keys and Andy Gray are sexist!

Here’s some other exclusives for you while I’m here. Graham Norton ... not into the ladies. Victoria Beckham... not into the later novels of Kurt Vonnegut. David Cameron... never eaten a pickled egg.

As usual you can’t hear yourself think for the touchline tantrums of the PC brigade. And on this occasion I’ve got some sympathy with this Sian Massey lass who Keys and Gray were having a pop at.

Here's Messrs Keys and Gray with an innocent trainee lineswomen. They're a disgrace aren't they?

First of all, it’s a crap job being an assistant referee. When I was growing up a lineswoman was the telephone exchange operator who could put you through. It’s especially tough on a lass cos them ref’s shorts look shite on a woman’s backside and you can’t exactly offset the effect on even a regular-sized arse by slipping into some three-inch heels with studs on the soles.

Frankly if they could find a more flattering outfit for the lady officials I’d welcome it. Watching Boro at home this year has required all the distractions you can get.

Here's an initial thought on the type of outfit I'm thinking of. Ladies, do advise of materials, practicalities etc.

Secondly, Richard Keys is the quintessential faceless nerk that gets to host football programmes. Clearly he’s well-qualified to espouse his views on gender politics given he’s so hirsute you literally have to shave him to find his fecking face. (Actually, I find the word ‘hirsute’ to be gratuitously sexist. Unless you’re talking about a top-tashed Tajikistani shot-putter called Tamara who can bench-press two Trabbants, the word should be his-sute.)

Keys’s job, as is the case with that Swami of Smarm Steve Ryder, Manish Thingammy and increasingly, the boy-faced crisp-whore Lineker, is to say eff-all in as unobtrusive a way as possible. In other words, don’t draw attention to yourself.

The reason I enjoy Adrian Chiles presenting the Chumps League, ravaged by the fatigue of early-morning starts as he is, is cos he’s not afraid to let slip a churlish Black Country sneer every now and then. Even Colin Murray, who can appear to be entirely caffeinated and as easy on the ear as a wasp in a jar, has a bit of devil-may-care charm and genuine enthusiasm.

Keys can come across as nowt more than a plughole of trapped pubes in a suit. If the chat about women not knowing the offside rule was supposed to be a bit of banter then remind me not to bother having a pint with them two wags down the boozer.

Of course there are aspects of women’s increasing involvement at footy matches that can get on a man’s goat. My Mrs’s interest seems to be directly related to the high totty quotient.

Mrs. Robson's personal selection this. Nah, me either, lads.

She enjoyed Italy in the last Euros n all - when their contribution to entertainment was so minimal their possession stat for the first half v Spain was -23%. But they looked good in their tops.

As Keys n Gray noted, the Offside Rule is a bone of contention between any self-respecting footballer and their partners, regardless of their sex. Anyone who hasn’t used two mugs and a bottle of gunged-up HP sauce to describe this bit of footy legislation to an Unbeliever is not truly a football supporter of any worth.

It doesn’t help that there’s now this flaming rider to the Offside Rule. The Mrs had got the hang of it until Ruud van Nistelrooy started behaving like an infant school goal-hanger and I had to re-explain the new interpretation to our lass by saying that the Dutch Man-Horse was not active when the ball was played in. So he was technically onside.

‘Not active?’ she snooted, ‘I s’pose that means you’re permanently onside, then.’

There’s a lass who sometimes sits behind us at the Riverside and is as passionate a Smoggy as you’re ever likely to hear. She’s also got a squeal on her that could be heard from bloody Neptune. Shrill doesn’t even begin to explain it. When Boro score it’s like I’m having me earwax removed by ultrasound.

I mean I’m all for the lasses getting involved but Jesus Christ, pet, can you find a lower register?

My dear old Dad (dear as in the fees to keep him at the Sunshine Home for the Bewildered are going through the frigging roof) is going a bit deaf and can’t hear higher notes and sounds now. All I can say is 'Lucky bugger'.

Point is, I might like to see linesladies in hula skirts. I might like to see lady footy fans issued with gags. I might like my wife to find more enjoyment in a slick passing movement than she does in the beauteous patterns that Man City’s groundsman is able to mow into the Eastlands turf.

But none of this has owt to do with whether a lass is capable of officiating at a football match. And to suggest that her ability to make a decision is compromised by the lack of a cock in her pants is sexist as far as I understand the definition.

Personally I’d be more than happy to see more women reffing games (as long as they’re not going to drive themselves to the game – JOKE!). They can’t be worse than the card-wielding pipsqueak Mike Dean. But the main benefit might just be that calling a lady ‘a blind fucking cunt’ is far worse a sin than shouting it at some well-meaning part-time actuary from Saffron Walden who happens to like running up and down the line in a blatant toupee.

I dunno why that should be – although some well-groomed Oxford Professeress in a trouser-suit’ll probably tell you it’s an inverted form of society’s inherent patriarchal chauvinism – but I’d more than welcome a reduction in the gobshite tendency of the modern-day footballer whenever the ref gives a decision against him or his team-mate. (NB – it doesn’t happen in women’s football.)

On the other hand, looking at the likes of your Wazza, I doubt they’d be reining in the odd ‘cunt’ and ‘fuck’.


And when it comes to odd fucks, Rooney knows what he’s talking about.