Wednesday, 23 May 2018

That's about Right

Well Said

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Hubert H Humphrey
US politician (1911 - 1978)

Said and Done Season 2017/18

Man of the season

Martin Glenn – hiring Lingerie League promoter @fizzer18 as England Women’s manager in January, and comparing the Star of David to the swastika in March. His FA focus for next season: to keep on “uniting the game – and making English football better for all”.

Also uniting the game

Gordon Taylor – taking his 10-year PFA income to £16.2m in February. Among his best work in 2017: calling out “disrespectful” FA suits for losing touch with reality. “There’s a perception that they’re disconnected dinosaurs.”

And in Zurich

Season two of Gianni Infantino’s Fifa 2.0 – “Football is a game that you play with your feet, but most importantly with your heart.”
His 2017-18 highlights:
a) Pledging to “prioritise human rights” in January, then naming Chechnya as a World Cup base in February; b) Promising “a new era of transparency”, then offering two events to unnamed investors for $25bn; and c) Pushing his social change agenda: addressing an invited audience in Tehran in March after attending the men-only Tehran derby where 35 women were arrested. Infantino told delegates he was “happy” with Iran’s progress on sexist attitudes: “There are now 23,000 women football players in Iran. We have some representatives of them here with us today – and they look fantastic.”
Meanwhile: still not buying the Fifa 2.0 rebrand – Philip Chiyangwa, Zimbabwe FA head, Fifa power-broker and millionaire YouTuber, launching his own fashion label in August with an open video call to God. “This morning, God, I ask only for abundancy. The power to make money, more of it. Money, more money, God, make it come my way. Thank you very much. Good morning to you everybody. Good morning to you God.”

Elsewhere: most consistent

Russia 2018 head Alexei Sorokin – asked in January for his view on Spartak Moscow tweeting a photo of black players training in hot weather captioned “see how the chocolates melt in the sun”: “It was clumsy. But there was no racist intent.”

Best crisis management

Lazio – reacting to their fans mocking the Holocaust in October. President Claudio Lotito told live TV about his bridge-building visit to a Jewish “mosque”; PR head Arturo Diaconale attacked “grotesque media bias” against Lazio fans. “It’s a wave of politically correct McCarthyism.”

Saddest lament

Carlo Tavecchio – forced out as Italy’s FA president in November. Tavecchio blamed “a media witch-hunt” for ignoring the positives and focusing instead on his four financial crime convictions, his racism ban and his leaked comments about “lousy Jews” and “keeping gays away”: “240 people work for me. Today, 240 people are in tears.”

Kindest act

Owen Oyston – going above and beyond to save Blackpool from administration in March. Oyston’s spokesman said his client – found to have “illegitimately stripped” the club of £26.77m last year with son Karl – had “offered to put his personal monies in to Blackpool Football Club’s accounts to avoid a shortfall in cash. He loves the club, and he always will.”

Manager of the year

Sam Allardyce – reflecting on the state of his trade last week after picking up a £6m pay-off plus £3m basic for 24 Everton games, a £1m pay-off for 67 days of his £6m England contract and a £2m bonus for 21 games of his £2.5m Palace deal: “Money has just brought more instability than ever before – and it’s managers who suffer the most.”
 Also suffering in 2017-18:1) Port Vale chairman Tony Fradley, 4 Sepon fan pressure to sack Michael Brown. “If you listen to Alan Shearer on Match of the Day he says you shouldn’t be thinking of anything like that for 10 games. It’s not crossed my mind.” 17 Sep: Sacks him after eight.
2) Portugal, 14 Jan: Belenenses president Rui Pedro Soares, tired of questions about coach Domingos Paciência. “Listen, Domingos is the coach of Belenenses. Will he still be in five, 10 years? I don’t know. In 20 years? No. But today Domingos is coach of Belenenses, and tomorrow, Domingos is coach of Belenenses.” The next day: Domingos isn’t coach of Belenenses.
3) Germany, 27 Nov: Borussia Dortmund CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke, telling fans to lay off coach Peter Bosz: “I feel just as shitty as you all do about this. But there is no magic solution.” 10 Dec: Finds one.
And 4) Brazil: Serie B Paraná coach “Crazy” Lisca – sacked in September for fighting his assistant a week after he implored local press to “stop calling me crazy, show some respect. Don’t call me crazy again.” Club statement: “Lisca has gone. It was a day of fury.”

Most presidential

Switzerland: Sion president Christian Constantin – banned in October for beating a pitchside TV pundit who called him “a narcissist with zero empathy”. Constantin said he was ready to reach a settlement – “We are 60-year-old men, let’s solve it, move on” – but “someone will have to make the first move, and that someone is him. He started it.”
 Also sending a message: Romania’s Brasov owner Ioan Neculaie: jailed in November after he reacted to a flat tyre on his car by reportedly “taking out a gun and shooting the other tyres flat, too”. The court heard Neculaie, who had a suspended manslaughter sentence, was “making a point to his chauffeur”.

Acting awards: best dramatists

a) Belgium: Standard Liège coach Ricardo Sá Pinto, banned for a “vaudeville display” in November after a plastic beer cup landed near his foot. Sá Pinto denied he “overplayed” it by collapsing, calling for medics then abusing the referee. “My shoes and trousers were wet.”
And b) Uruguay: Defensor Sporting’s assistant Alejandro Acevedo, unhappy to go viral in December after being filmed pretending to be head-butted by a fourth official. “I only collapsed because I felt my glasses slip. I don’t care for social networks, or the things that they say.”

Best agent

Spain: Catió Baldé, reacting in February to client Rúben Semedo’s third arrest in four months. Baldé said the Villarreal defender, who denies robbery, kidnap, possession of illegal weapons and attempted murder, is “a good boy led astray … He’s the victim here.”

Best direct action

Ecuador: Independiente del Valle U20 defender Angelo Preciado, banned for “using a corner flag as a spear” in February. Coach Juan Carlos León said the spear was out of character. “He’s really been maturing.”

Most self-assured

Brazil: Santos president José Carlos Peres – denying being too abstract with his analogy in March for why he’s cutting back on club staff. “Santos can no longer be a teat, a teat with 420 sucklings sucking out its milk. There’s not enough milk, people. This is an excellent analogy.”

Happiest ending

Argentina: San Lorenzo groundsman Julio Duarte, hiring a sausage dog in September after it invaded their game against Arsenal di Sarandi then chewed microphones post-match. Duarte said he’d add the dog to 10 others he uses for chasing pigeons off his grass seed. “I’m keeping her. We really need what she’s got.”

And best attitude

Romania: Liga IV Venus Bucharest’s keeper Emil Constantinescu – reflecting on their 26-1 defeat to Academia Rapid in November. “If they didn’t score the first 10 goals, I think we could have won it. But we take some positives. We get our heads up, and we go again.”


Catnip is ten-times more effective at repelling mosquitoes than DEET is.

News Thump

England manager Gareth Southgate has ended speculation by revealing the 23 excuses he plans to use for England’s failure at the World Cup.
The list of excuses will be expected to maintain a modicum of respect for the team following their inevitable early exit from the competition this summer.
Southgate told reporters at the unveiling, “We are away for a couple of weeks, so it’s important I give myself a full range of excuses to choose from, depending on what the tournament throws at us.
“Flexibility is key, and though I’ve gone for trusted excuses such as cheating foreigners and a lack of English players in the premier league, I’ve called up a couple of new ones in media intrusion and ‘inexperience’.
“These excuses might not have proven themselves at international level, but I know they will do a job if required.”
Fans have reacted with a mixture of surprise and frustration at the squad of excuses, and debate has raged between them over which excuses should be on the plane to Russia.
England supporter Simon Williams told us, “It’s not a bad squad, but I think taking three Harry Kane excuses is overkill, you just need a couple, and that means he’s had to leave a couple of promising excuses at home.
“My mate Dave said he should have taken a wildcard, like the ‘Illuminati’, or ‘Aliens’ – but he supports Birmingham City, so what does he know.”
That excuse list in full:
  1. The temperature was too hot
  2. The temperature wasn’t as hot as we’d planned
  3. The hotel was too isolated
  4. The hotel was too central and busy
  5. Inexperience
  6. Too much experience
  7. Homesickness
  8. Media intrusion
  9. Harry Kane injury
  10. Dele Alli injury
  11. Kyle Walker injury
  12. No Harry Kane
  13. Lack of Gary Cahill injury
  14. Influx of premier league foreigners
  15. Too many Premier League games
  16. ‘Silly mistakes’ on the pitch
  17. Cheating foreigners robbing our brave boys
  18. WAGs
  19. Jack Wilshere wasn’t there
  20. Local food wasn’t right
  21. The Internet
  22. John Terry texting Harry Kane’s girlfriend
  23. “I got it wrong”

Same Same

Rule of Thumb

As we know, imported goods are readily available but at a vastly increased cost.  I amuses me (no really, I do laugh) when I see on the goods something like "special offer just 49 pence" or "99p for a limited period only) and our price reads exactly the same but in baht.  Ouch!


We found Twiglets at Villa Markt (ex-pat, posh supermarket that stocks almost anything from the western world and expects you to pay for the privilege) but they cost an eye watering £3.50 a family bag.

We did a tenner and are now officially broke until Friday...

This Time Next Year

We shall have to renew our driving licences.

The first time you get them (on each for car and motorbike) they are only valid for two years but thereafter they will last for five years, once you resit your tests.

I don't mind that but I do nit like paying the British Embassy £50 for some tatty certificate that we have to complete simply to get stamp on it to prove we live where we do.  That's a hundred quid for us both and for what?  We haven't moved- what a screaming waste of money.

Viz Bits


Ashes to Ashes

From what I thought was a good start, it hasn't taken long for this Life on Mars spin off to head downwards.  It is becoming predictable and frustrating with far too many flashback scenes, it is overall very slow and the dialogue is so dull.

But the biggest bugbear for me is Alex Drake, supposedly gone back in time as a DCI in 1981, who constantly dresses like a prostitute to go to work.  I've seen more sombre slappers on the street at Kings Cross than what she considers appropriate attire for police inspector.  And she must know she looks like a tart because lets face it, 1980s fashions were hideous when you look back at them from this day and age.

The rapport between her and Hunt is so wooden you keep expecting to see Kaneau Reeves pop in for a cameo just to live things up and the tired joke of her being posh totty and reference to her knickers is just plain aggravating now.

And who the fuck has an Italian restaurant as a local bar?  Hunt, being a tough northerner would be a pint of bitter man and yet he minces along to this faux trattoria swigging vino like it's going out of fashion.  Plod should be swilling beer at a local pub, playing darts and eating pickled eggs.

I am rapidly going off this show which is a shame as the characters could be so much better.


Image result for 50th birthday greetings

Hotel Booked

With our nephew's first "A" level now over and a gazillion more to come over the next 4 - 5 weeks, he will soon be joining us and so we thought we'd book up the Amaze Hotel for their stay.

We have them for three nights to begin with and then we all head off to Siem Reap, they then spend five nights in Phuket and we have a final seven nights back in Bangers before they fly back home.

All accommodation is now booked and so we can forget about that until it's time to pay up.


We have a fan directly above our TV that spreads cooling air over our bed, which is remote controlled and we use at night instead of air conditioning.

Recently it has developed an annoying clicking/whinging sound and as we had Khun Ayr in yesterday and she is an expert on taking them apart to clean, I asked her if she could have a go.

I got back just after 13:00 expecting the condo to be empty but there she was, waiting for me  (should have left at midday) so that she could demonstrate the fan was now running silently again after she had cleaned every single part.

I took the opportunity to squirt in some WD 40 (she had never seen this before and seemed quite taken by it) and I am happy to report that the fan has never worked better or been quieter.

Many thanks Khun Ayr but there was no need to wait for us to get back.

C & H

December 12, 1989

Tuesday, 22 May 2018

Well Said

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde
Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)

Stuff that for a Game of Soldiers

Image result for monitor lizard

My monitor mate... or one of his pals

Monster Munch

Strolling back from a spot of light shopping at T-L, I rounded the corner into our road with the jungle beside it.  The "jungle" goes from the corner of the road all the way down to the car park and hosts all kinds of wild life- some of which is not squished on the paved road (see previous posts).

Out of the corner of my eye I notice a lot of scurrying and wild thrashing of shrubbery and as I looked across, I spot the tail of a monitor lizard.  OK, fair enough.  They are a common sight around these parts.

Except it was enor-fucking-mous with its tail the width of my entire leg and far longer.  Alongside the tail were a pair of hind legs that would have made a professional snooker table feel inadequate and the claws (making all the racket as it tried to scramble up the metal, corrugated fencing) would not have looked out of place on Godzilla.

A witty thought popped into my head:  "don't worry, it's more scared of you than you are of it".  Funny, I didn't see any shit falling out of its arse at all...

Southend News Network

500,000 obese children sign petition for Jamie Oliver to just fuck off
500,000 obese children have signed a petition for the TV chef and obesity activist to just fuck off – preferably to a location without Internet access that is beyond the Earth’s gravitational pull.
The campaign was started by 7-year-old Jack Harris from Rayleigh in Essex, and it has already skyrocketed to half a million signatures and an offer of transportation from Elon Musk.
Jack said, ‘This cunt wasn’t happy with taking away my bastard Turkey Twizzlers, but now he wants to stop pizza deals as well.’
’We went to eat at one of his posh swanky restaurants last week, no not the ones that closed because Brexit, the other ones.’
’Oddly enough, on that occasion he didn’t have a problem with me chucking a £24.95 Wagyu burger and quadruple-cooked fries down my cakehole. Funny that.’


Viz Bits



There are many versions of this game (House, Lotto etc) around the world but I bet that the UK variety is the only one to have nicknames for the numbers called.  If you have never been to a British bingo hall, don't bother going as it's quite ghastly, instead watch an example on TV and you'll get the gist.  The callers are really most clever and keep the punters additionally entertained.

Go and have a read of the full article on the history of the nicknames and how they came about at winkbingo, it really is a most interesting read.

The Complete List of Bongo Calls

  1.  Kelly’s Eye
  2. One Little Duck
  3. Cup of Tea
  4. Knock at the Door
  5. Man Alive
  6. Tom Mix
  7. Lucky Seven
  8. Garden Gate
  9. Doctor’s Orders
  10. Cameron’s Den
  11. Legs 11
  12. One Dozen
  13. Unlucky for Some
  14. Valentine’s Day
  15. Young and Keen
  16. Sweet 16
  17. Dancing Queen
  18. Coming of Age
  19. Goodbye Teens
  20. One Score
  21. Royal Salute
  22. Two Little Ducks
  23. Thee and Me
  24. Two Dozen
  25. Duck and Dive
  26. Pick and Mix
  27. Gateway to Heaven
  28. Over Weight
  29. Rise and Shine
  30. Dirty Gertie
  31. Get Up and Run
  32. Buckle My Shoe
  33. Dirty Knee
  34. Ask for More
  35. Jump and Jive
  36. Three Dozen
  37. More than 11
  38. Christmas Cake
  39. Steps
  40. Naughty 40
  41. Time for Fun
  42. Winnie the Pooh
  43. Down on Your Knees
  44. Droopy Drawers
  45. Halfway There
  46. Up to Tricks
  47. Four and Seven
  48. Four Dozen
  49. PC
  50. Half a Century
  51. Tweak of the Thumb
  52. Danny La Rue
  53. Stuck in the Tree
  54. Clean the Floor
  55. Snakes Alive
  56. Was She Worth It?
  57. Heinz Varieties
  58. Make Them Wait
  59. Brighton Line
  60. Five Dozen
  61. Bakers Bun
  62. Turn the Screw
  63. Tickle Me 63
  64. Red Raw
  65. Old Age Pension
  66. Clickety Click
  67. Made in Heaven
  68. Saving Grace
  69. Either Way Up
  70. Three Score and 10
  71. Bang on the Drum
  72. Six Dozen
  73. Queen B
  74. Candy Store
  75. Strive and Strive
  76. Trombones
  77. Sunset Strip
  78. Heaven’s Gate
  79. One More Time
  80. Eight and Blank
  81. Stop and Run
  82. Straight On Through
  83. Time for Tea
  84. Seven Dozen
  85. Staying Alive
  86. Between the Sticks
  87. Torquay in Devon
  88. Two Fat Ladies
  89. Nearly There
  90. Top of the Shop

Serious Profit

People are always complaining about exchange rates (I am no different) and the good old days are truly over for us.  No longer into the 60s and 70s when we first arrived here many a year ago, even our trusted THB 50 - 55 to the £1 days are long gone.  Now we're lucky to get THB 42- 43.

Except we don't, as we use Kiw dollars, thankfully and while they too are down, it's nowhere near as marked.

Anyway, the good news.

As you will know we have to keep THB 800 000 in cash available for three months before we can re-new our visas and we try our best not to touch it all year around except when we need to swap accounts to qualify for our visas.  Wifey gets it first and once she has hers, the money is transferred into my account and I apply for my visa three months later.  We even get interest on that sum too, more than in the UK and easily worth a night on the town for two.

But I digress.

When we first deposited the sum into our account we had an exchange rate of THB 60 + to the GBP (we'll take it at 60 for this example) so our THB 800 000 was worth £13 333.

At today's rate that same sum is now worth £18 521, a profit of £5 187...

For doing dick all over the years, we are theoretically five grand up.  😎


So there I am in the shower with Lynott's song in my head and I came to realise that we had such brilliant water pressure.  And we live in a block of condos.

The power shower, if I can call it that as it strictly speaking isn't (there's no pump) is simply taken off the main and passes through an electrical heater before almost half drowning you.

Most of the time the water is just too hot to use anywhere past 75% and if you leave it around 50% heat setting, the flow is phenomenal.  I tend to shower quite coolly (25%?) and have to drop the flow rate right down.

Contrast that to what we used to have back in the UK where we did have a pump and used preheated water and our current set up is light years ahead.

*Archer reference for all the wrong reasons...

Little Bit of Water

One of my all time heroes; a simple song about water (baptism?) as I was thinking how feckin' good our shower is.

C & H

December 12, 1990

Sunday, 20 May 2018

Colour Blind

It turns out that women and men don't see eye to eye, at least when it comes to the color spectrum.

How men and women perceive colour, which is linked directly to the X chromosome and allows women to distinguish between different shades of colour better. 

No wonder the gadgies leave the home decor to the ladies...

Well Said

He talked with more claret than clarity.
Susan Ertz


The Goldbergs

Like a cross between "The Wonder Years" and "The Middle" this is a rather amusing series based on the usual dysfunctional American family, but this is set in the 80s.

Worth a look if you're at a loose end.

New MOT Regs

Stricter MOT tests are due today (Sunday) which include the following:

Defects found during an MOT will be categorised as:
  • Dangerous: Fail. The vehicle is a "direct and immediate risk to road safety or has a serious impact on the environment". It must not be driven until it has been repaired.
  • Major: Fail. The fault "may affect the vehicle's safety, put other road users at risk or have an impact on the environment". The car, van or motorcycle must be repaired immediately.
  • Minor: Pass. A defect has "no significant effect on the safety of the vehicle or impact on the environment". It must be repaired as soon as possible
  • Advisory: Pass. A defect could become more serious in the future. "Monitor and repair it if necessary."
  • Pass: The vehicle meets the minimum legal standard.
A wider range of a vehicle's parts will be tested including: the tyres, to check if they are underinflated; the brake fluid, to investigate if it has been contaminated; and fluid leaks, to make sure they do not pose an environmental risk.

I am failing to see much difference in the first two categories; both instances require immediate repair.  Or am I missing something?

NOTE:  Vehicles more than 40 years old, or produced before 31st May 1978, will not need an MOT.

Still Got the Blues

And so has Maureen who despite losing the FA Cup final (0 - 1 penalty) is bitterly bitching about how Man U deserved to win.  And that's after they didn't even take one shot on goal in the first half?

Sounds like a dull game but very happy for my Chelsea pals.


Want This

Image result for archer book

Just found out that Archer (and not Jeffery) has released a book.  Wonder where they got inspiration for the cover?  Guess what I am after for Christmas?

Image result for archer book